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batsutousaiTitle: Spirit's Fall
Series: The Blood Toll Saga
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood/manga
Author: Batsutousai
Rating: Mature
Pairings: one-sided Edward Elric/Original Female Character
Warnings: Ed's potty mouth, vampire!Edward Elric, blood, canon typical violence, questionable morality, character death
Summary: Born too early, Ed and Al don't manage to find a way to return Al to his body before his soul leaves the armour for good. Ed will do anything to save his brother, including making a deal with the closest thing to the devil he believes in. Can he keep his humanity long enough to save his brother, or are they both doomed to the separate hells that Ed's deal has trapped them within?
A/N: The side story covering Mahdi and Sanaz's discussion after Ed left is posted everywhere, for those interested in reading it.
Chapter Three
-0-
"Alchemist," the figure said flatly.
"Not here for you," Ed informed it, even as he turned, searching for–
Al slammed into his side, and they both hit the ground with grunts, while the figure let out a very loud, very pointed sigh.
Ed ignored it in favour of wrapping his arm around his brother and holding on as tight as he could, felt so unspeakably reassured to find Al's grip on him just as tight. "I'm sorry," he choked out. "I overreacted and then left you all alone for years."
"You're an idiot," Al agreed matter-of-factly, before leaning up over Ed and offering him a smile that only looked a little broken. "I'm glad you finally stopped being dumb on your own, for once."
"Oiy!" Ed complained. "That's no way to speak to your big brother!"
Al's whole face lit up, erasing what looked like decades' worth of worry lines. "It is when you're being– Brother?" Al asked, worry filling his voice as Ed closed his eyes, shame and regret warring for prominence.
"I'm a terrible big brother," he whispered.
Al was silent for a long moment, before he sort of flopped down on Ed, and he couldn't quite stop from letting out an 'oof' of air. "I forgive you," Al said, his words puffing against Ed's cheek and his chin digging into his shoulder, so utterly real. "This is hard. For both of us."
And if that wasn't just the understatement of their lives.
Ed cast about for something less depressing to talk about and remembered the blackberries he'd found on a bush outside the cave he'd holed up in, then shoved in his pocket. "Ah!" He shoved at Al a bit. "Off!"
"Brother?" Al asked, clearly confused, but moving off Ed all the same.
Ed grunted and shifted until he could reach into his pocket, then grimaced a bit as he pulled out the half-smushed berries. "Hells," he muttered, even as Al started laughing.
"What're those supposed to be?" Al asked, looking so very alive.
"Blackberries," Ed admitted, before holding out his handful. "Happy, uh, early nineteenth birthday?"
Al gave him a flat look. "And what am I supposed to do with those?"
"If you can't remember the mechanics of eating, that's not my problem," Ed shot right back, forcing his smile to remain steady, despite the reminder of why his brother might have forgotten how to eat; it may not have been his problem, but it was his fault.
Al rolled his eyes. "No, I haven't forgotten. But I don't think I can eat here any more than when I was in the armour." He motioned around at the utter whiteness around them, broken only by their two Doors.
"Why not?" Ed shot back, frowning slightly. "You've got a mouth and a stomach, everything necessary. Just because you're not hungry, doesn't mean you can't eat; trust me, I'm becoming an expert."
Sorrow flickered in Al's eyes and he looked away. "Yeah," he said quietly. "I know."
Ed swallowed and carefully cupped his hand around the berries, then knocked it against Al's arm. "Hey. You used to love blackberries, remember? There was a little bush of them by the back door, and we'd always snack on them when Mum got cross about us being underfoot and ordered us outside."
Al looked back at him, a heartbroken smile twisting his mouth. "Yeah," he agreed quietly. "She'd always tell us off about ruining our dinner when she caught us."
Ed offered him a smile and raised his hand toward his brother a bit. "Come on. For me?"
Al sighed and made a show of picking through the berry guts for the most intact of the lot, then popped it in his mouth. Almost immediately, his eyes went wide, then fell closed, the most blissful expression Ed had ever seen taking over his face. "Oh my gods," he whispered, before opening his eyes and staring at Ed with bright eyes. "Brother! They're delicious! How could I have forgotten how delicious they are?!"
Ed didn't even bother trying to stop his laugh, just wiggled his fingers at his brother. "Still feeling picky?" he couldn't resist asking.
"Jerk!" Al shot back, utterly failing to sound or even look cross as he started grabbing for every bit of berry in Ed's hand and shoving it into his mouth, rather like a man starved.
Which, well, he kind of was. And it hurt to think that, to remember that it had been almost ten years since the last time Al had eaten anything.
It did help, though, seeing that Al could eat again. He might not need to, same as Ed, but the fact was that he could.
Ed decided, laughing a bit as Al gave up on any sense of decorum and licked the berry juice straight off his hand, that he was going to bring a feast with him next time. Best case, Al would fatten up a bit; worst case, Ed would end up getting stuck cleaning up his brother's shit because there wasn't any way for this world to manage human waste.
(On that note, he could bring Al clothing, too, and maybe books or something? Some way to keep him amused when he wasn't watching Ed be a screw-up.)
"Shut up, Brother," Al muttered, his cheeks flushed pink, purple juice staining his lips.
"Can't help it," Ed insisted in return.
Al peeked out at him from behind too-long golden hair, and his smile had gone a bit sad, but it was still there. "Thanks," he said.
Ed shrugged and glanced away, feeling a bit self-conscious. "Yeah, whatever. Kinda lame, them getting all messed up and all–"
Al slammed into him again, and Ed just sighed as his brother grinned down at him from where he was lying half on top of him again. "Doesn't matter," he insisted, poking at Ed's chest with one bony finger. "It's the thought, remember?"
That had been something Mum had often told them, when Al would get upset over how his alchemy attempts weren't near as good as Ed's; he remembered. "Yeah," he whispered, poking Al in the side.
Al huffed a bit, then turned a considering eye on Ed, his expression suggesting Ed wasn't going to like what was about to come out of his mouth. "About...the Xerxesians."
Ed couldn't quite keep himself from tensing, and he frowned and looked away, unwilling to actually shove Al off, but needing to show he didn't want anything to do with this conversation.
Al sighed and poked Ed's cheek. "Brother," he stressed. "You can't keep on like this; it's okay to ask for help."
"What Sanaz is suggesting isn't help," Ed snarled, turning to glare at his brother, "it's suicide!"
Al's gaze was hard as he met Ed's glare, and he leant up over Ed a bit, arms shaking as they supported his weight, but his voice was steady as he stated, "You're not a monster, Brother. Stop treating yourself like one."
"You don't–!" Ed started, before realising that his brother likely did know what he was talking about, watching from on high – or whatever – as Ed murdered with no hope of control. "What I am hardly matters when I can't control–"
"It's just like alchemy!" Al interrupted, nearly shouting to shut Ed up. When Ed fell quiet to glare at him again, Al gave a brief nod of thanks, then explained, "Remember first learning? How the transmutation would get out of hand sometimes? Like the time you almost set fire to that book?"
Ed frowned and looked away; he remembered, sure. He'd been so desperate to try the array he'd found, he hadn't checked to ensure the circle was all the way closed, and the energy had built up for a second, before escaping out the gap he'd left and jumping toward the book laying open next to the edge of the circle. The book had started smoking, and only Al throwing the glass of water he'd been sipping on it had saved them both from tragedy.
"Remembering to close an array before activating it is nothing like–" He floundered for a moment, at a loss for words.
"Control, Brother. Controlling your excitement, or how much energy you put into an array–" they'd both struggled with that, in the beginning "–or how quickly you can move on a false leg. This is the same thing."
"That's all different," Ed whispered, closing his eyes because he was tired of white, and he couldn't bring himself to look at Al. "Not everything can be controlled, Alphonse."
"I believe this can," Al insisted, and Ed couldn't stop from opening his eyes, looking up into his brother's face, so much faith in his eyes, it honestly hurt to see. "If anyone can beat this, Ed, it's you."
"Al, I–"
"Time's up!" the white figure with Ed's arm and leg shouted, right before black arms shot out of their opposing Doors and tore Ed and Al apart.
"I'll be back!" Ed shouted, reaching toward Al, desperate and a little bit afraid; he didn't want to go!
Al smiled at him, tears in his eyes, as he called back, "I know!" So much trust in his eyes and his voice.
Because Al had never given up on Ed, had always believed he would find a way to do the impossible: To bring Mum back. To get their bodies back. To finish Hohenheim's abandoned duty.
He wondered, sometimes, if his brother was insane.
Ed opened his eyes to the cave floor, had about half a minute to think derisive thoughts about his brother's belief in him, before he recognised the sound of rocks scraping together and realised the cave was too bright.
He jerked his head up to see, found an unfamiliar person – hard to tell gender or age under the too-large, ragged coat they were wearing, but they looked small enough to be prepubescent – shifting the rocks he'd used to block the entrance out of the way. There was plenty of space for either Ed or the stranger to get through, and Ed felt distinctly panicked as he felt his hunger for blood starting to rise. Slowly, like it was mocking him.
Dark brown eyes landed on him, and the person sounded relieved as they started speaking in Drachman.
Ed had learnt a handful of Drachman, but he couldn't think of a single word right then, and he shoved himself up and awkwardly scrambled back as far he he could get in the cave, shaking his head.
The Drachman let out a confused noise, then hopped over the remaining rocks and into the cave, speaking again.
"You need to go," Ed tried, couldn't say exactly what language it had come out in – he'd just been speaking Amestrisan with his brother, who knew what his brain was wired for right that moment – and waved his hand in a 'go away' manner.
The person didn't heed him, instead stepping closer, speaking again, slower, quieter, like they thought it would calm him?
A suggestion of humour burbled to life under Ed's panic, because people kept treating him like a scared animal when he was trying to get them to run from him.
Well, if this moron wouldn't take the hint and run, it was up to Ed to get out. He cast around for his crutch, found it within easy reach, and grabbed it, using it to shove himself to his feet.
Barely giving himself time to get steady, and ignoring the Drachman's noise of surprise, Ed shoved past them and stumbled his way out the of the hole the person had made, somehow kept his feet, then hurried away.
He killed the first non-human he came across – a fox – then stopped to lean against a tree for a moment to catch his breath.
It was then, and only then, that he realised what had just happened: He'd managed to keep enough control of his hunger, that he hadn't attacked that person. He'd been pretty much starved for blood and had actually had to touch the person to get away from them, and he'd managed it.
Did... Did Sanaz and Al have something? Could he learn to control his terrible hunger, keep from killing other humans?
Was there a chance that he could survive this without any more (human) blood on his hand?
The was a rustling of underbrush, an irritated snarl in another language, and the person from before popped out of a bush about five feet to Ed's right. They took a brief look around, looking right past Ed, then took two steps forward before freezing and turning to look at Ed again, their face lighting up. They said something in a delighted tone, pointing at Ed.
Ed shot them his best unimpressed look and said, "Nyet."
'No'. One of the handful of words he knew, and the only one he could think of that might get across how much he didn't want this person continuing to follow him.
The person rattled off a string of Drachman in response and stepped toward Ed, looking hopeful.
"What part of 'no' don't you understand?!" Ed demanded in Xerxesian. "Go home!"
The person cocked their head to one side, looking confused.
"Hells," Ed muttered, leaning over to grab the fox carcass – whether he'd take Sanaz up on her suggestion or not, his things were still in the camp, and he might as well bring them the fox while he was there; no reason to waste potential food. "Figures I'd get found by a Drachman moron."
Once he had the carcass situated with his crutch, he turned and continued his way back to camp, rather unsurprised to find the person following him, and irritated that that meant he couldn't hunt any further en route.
Well, on the plus side, Mahdi and Sanaz knew he didn't actually need to eat food, now, so he should be able to get away with avoiding any while he was there, at least until he'd found time to hunt some more animals. Assuming he didn't do the smart thing and run like hell as soon as he had his things.
He remembered Al's trusting expression and his words, and sighed; he supposed he had to give it a try, if only so Al didn't make his life hell next time he visited.
Azad – a member of the tribe's hunting party and only a year older than Ed – met them just before the camp would be in view, leaning casually against his spear and flashing a really obnoxious grin. "Hey, Ed. Who's the kid?"
Ed sighed. "No idea, on account of the fact that I don't speak Drachman. Sanaz and Mahdi in their tent?"
Azad gave him a sort of 'are you an idiot?' look that Ed was sorely tempted to punch off his face, then said, "Neither of them speak Drachman, either."
Ed closed his eyes and took a moment to count to ten in his head, because he couldn't really afford a playful tussle, as low on blood as he was. "I know that," he said at last, opening his eyes to glare at Azad. "I need to talk to them about–"
"Why you went flying out of here last night, looking like Ahriman was chasing you?" Azad suggested, before flashing Ed a sharp, superior smile. "Trust me, the whole tribe knows."
Ed considered Azad's careless stance, easily in range for Ed to hit him with his crutch. He wasn't afraid of him, was acting the same as always, like taunting Ed to get a rise out of him was the best thing in the universe, and didn't have the potential to end with him as a corpse.
Azad may have heard about Ed leaving in a hurry, but he had no idea why, clearly.
Ed smiled back, just as sharp, and returned, "What's to say I wasn't running from some great evil?"
"And what's to say," a deep voice said from behind Azad, making him jump, "he didn't bring Ahriman back?"
"Mahin!" Azad howled at his sister, as she stepped out from behind him, grinning madly.
Mahin wiggled her fingers at Ed. "Welcome back, Ed. Don't listen to Doom-and-Gloom, here."
Ed snorted. "I never do."
Azad snarled a, "You're such children," at the pair of them, then made a show of turning away and looking for trouble.
Mahin burst out laughing, while Ed just rolled his eyes, resigned to Azad's usual manner. He waited until Mahin had stopped chortling, then asked, "Can you figure out what this one wants?" motioning behind him with his head, at where the Drachman was still standing.
"Oh?" Mahin stepped closer, her amusement giving way to a polite smile. "Zdravstvuyte," she offered. "Menja zovut Mahin. A kak vas zovut?"
"Menja zovut Vladimir!" the person replied, followed by a string of Drachman that Ed couldn't hope to keep up with, but which Mahin seemed to be managing fine, by her interested expression.
When the person finished speaking, Mahin gave them a short response, then turned to Ed and explained, "His name is Vladimir. He's visiting family in one of the local villages and got lost in the woods, then found you passed out in a cave?"
Ed grimaced and nodded, not having any interest in explaining that incident. (And he should probably go back and erase the array some point soon, since nature wasn't likely to cover it up in that cave, and the last thing any of them needed was some aspiring alchemist giving it a shot on a whim.)
Mahin reached forward, aiming for Ed's forehead, but he ducked her with a cross, "I'm fine. Kid got lost, found me, followed me back to camp hoping we could point him back to where he belongs?"
Mahin sighed. "Essentially. I take it he's my problem, then?"
"Please?" Ed agreed. "I should go find Mahdi and Sanaz."
Mahin snorted. "You'd be useless anyway," she pointed out, and Ed snorted himself as she turned back to Vladimir and started speaking Drachman again.
Ed made his escape before she could change her mind about his usefulness, handed the fox over to the small group sitting around the fire – and bore some gentle ribbing about his laziness in making them skin it, as well as his panicked escape from camp before dawn, because clearly everyone had heard about that much – then turned toward the tent the tribe's leaders called their own.
He stopped just outside, took a steadying breath, then called, "Leaders? A word?"
It was Sanaz who stepped out first, her expression almost hopeful for a moment, before breaking open with relief. "Ed," she said with a smile. "There you are."
Mahdi stepped up behind her, catching the doorway of the tent and pushing it up a bit higher. "Where were you?" he asked, his tone flat, but something almost kind in his eyes.
Ed swallowed and tightened his fingers around his crutch. "I...needed to speak with my brother," he admitted, because he might as well be honest with them, at that point.
Mahdi's expression darkened just enough for Ed to notice – he clearly understood such wasn't as simple as just walking a couple tents over – but whether or not Sanaz got it, Ed couldn't say, as her forehead creased with concern and she said, "You look pale."
Ed shrugged, unsurprised, but when she stepped forward, one hand coming up and reaching for him, he said, "Please don't touch me right now," because he could sense the too-familiar hunger, only barely held back by the fox's blood he'd had.
"Come inside," Mahdi ordered as he grabbed Sanaz's shoulder and tugged her back, toward the tent entrance he was still holding open.
Ed followed the tribe leaders into their tent, only to freeze just inside when he found it rather...crowded.
In truth, he wasn't particularly surprised to find Behnam, Banu, and Minoo there, given how close he'd become to the three, but he was surprised to find Behnam's wife, Ava, and Banu's husband, Hamid, there. He knew them both – knew everyone in the tribe, because it was hard not to get to know people you spent your days travelling with – but nowhere near as well as he knew their spouses. Certainly not enough to let themselves become involved in Sanaz's crazy idea, though, perhaps, it was because they were spouses of the people Ed was closest to among the tribe, that they'd been involved; it was only fair they know exactly who to blame when things went wrong.
"You spoke to your brother," Mahdi said once the flap had closed behind Ed, and he looked over to find himself being pinned with a hard stare from the man, while the others in the tent let out various surprised noises.
Ed swallowed and nodded. "Yes," he admitted.
"At what price?" Mahdi pressed.
Ed tried a smile and held out his arm to show he was still whole. "Nothing important."
Mahdi didn't smile back, but it was Banu, rather than her father, who said, "Ed, please. Do us the favour of not lying about your health." There was a world of sadness in her eyes as she added, "Not any more."
He let his hand fall back to the grip of his crutch, wrapping his hand so tightly around it, it ached. "Just...blood," he admitted quietly, couldn't meet any of their eyes. "Whatever I have. It's–" He shook his head. "I'm fine."
"You're not," Sanaz insisted from way too close, and Ed couldn't quite stop himself from stumbling back a step, the doorway of the tent brushing his back. She let him, didn't try closing the gap between them again. "You won't let me touch you because you're afraid of what you'll do to me."
Ed flashed her a smile that felt too sharp. "So what?" he demanded, hated that he couldn't stop himself from lashing out when she cornered him. "At least I have sense enough not to taunt a monster."
Sanaz closed her eyes, while someone – Ed couldn't say who – let out a pained sound.
"Are you intending to run again?" Mahdi asked, his tone flat, unimpressed.
Ed felt off-balance for a moment, couldn't help but remember his brother's smile, so trusting. "I–" He stopped, cleared his throat and looked down, toward his mismatched legs. "Al...thinks I should stay."
"At least one of you is willing to listen," Sanaz commented.
Ed opened his mouth to tell her off, but then the scent of blood hit him, and he couldn't stop from jerking his head up, eyes catching on the bloody knife Sanaz was holding in one hand, while blood welled out of her other palm. He wanted to run, but his hunger wouldn't let him, held him fast where he stood, his canines lengthening utterly without his say-so. He managed to shake his head, the closest he could get to a plea for her to go. To not endanger herself like this.
Sanaz held out her cut hand. "Come," she ordered.
Ed stepped forward, his crutch falling from his grasp as he reached out with his hand, taking hers in a grip that was deceptively gentle. A part of him was screaming inside, trying to make his body turn, to run, but he'd lost that chance as soon as he'd smelt her blood, and he felt a little like he was staring on in horror as his body bent forward, over her hand, and licked along the cut.
The familiar taste of copper-life bloomed across his taste buds, and Ed's eyes slid closed, blocking him from having to watch as he sucked her blood through the broken skin.
And, oh, hells, but he hated how much more filling human blood was, stabbing straight through to the heart of his horrible hunger in a way that animal blood couldn't. Like that first drink of cold water after days of trudging through the height of summer in southern Amestris, rationing the too-hot water in his canteen because he didn't know how long it had to last.
But, too, there was a sort of...awareness, almost, of life in the blood. Like he could almost sense Sanaz's soul, only noticeable because he was so very familiar with her. And it was a strong sense, but getting a little bit weaker with every swallow.
He couldn't say how he knew, but Ed could tell the moment he would be taking too much blood from her, weakening her too much, and his hunger – muted under the taste of blood on his tongue – didn't stop him from pulling away from her, stepping back and shaking his head. "Enough," he insisted, his voice sounding ragged to his ears.
"Maman?" Banu called.
Ed jerked his head up to look at Sanaz, his heart in his throat.
"I'm fine," Sanaz said, and she looked a little paler than Ed was used to seeing her, didn't look wholly steady on her feet, but it didn't look like she was about to fall down dead any time soon, either. "I'm just a little dizzy," she added with a reassuring smile, as though aware that she wasn't fooling any of them. And then she looked over and met Ed's eyes. "Ed?"
Ed swallowed the taste of blood and couldn't help but look at where her hand was still held out, bleeding sluggishly. "You need to wrap that," he managed. "You can't afford to lose any more blood."
Minoo quickly stepped forward with some bandaging, and Sanaz didn't fight her, instead watching Ed with interest. But it was Mahdi who asked, "You can tell how much blood you can safely take from someone?"
Ed looked over at him and found a scientist's curiosity staring back at him, something that had been all-too rare among members of the tribe, with their distrust of alchemy and alkahestry. It was settling, somehow, helping to ground him a bit. "I–" Ed frowned and rubbed at his mouth, was surprised to find it felt clean of blood; he'd never managed to drink from anyone before without making a mess. Even animals, though mammals, at least, usually had fur to help him clean his face. Given, that was also the first time he hadn't had to fight his...victim. "Apparently," he settled on, before shaking his head. "But it's not something I've ever noticed before. I don't–"
"Then it's something worth exploring," Mahdi said, and Ed glanced back up at him to find that unfamiliar curiosity again, but also something a little like hope. "Or don't you want to learn control?"
Control?
Ed heard himself laughing, disbelieving and relieved: Yes, he'd managed to control himself. He'd stopped himself from hurting Sanaz. She'd taken a chance on him – had believed in him, just like Al – and he hadn't screwed up. For what felt like the first time in his life, he'd managed to do something right.
"Ed?" Sanaz called, and he realised she was standing right in front of him, concern in her eyes and her undamaged hand held up like she wanted to touch him, but wasn't sure she'd be welcome.
Ed stepped forward and caught her in a hug, whispering, "Thank you," into her hair.
She hugged him back, a little weaker than he'd have expected of her, but hardly so weak as to suggest she wouldn't recover. "Any time," she promised.
For the first time since he'd fought that bear, Ed felt like it would be okay for him to stay.
Ed did head back out to the cave that night, once most of the camp was asleep, and removed any trace of the array. He also took a couple of the blackberries from that bush and popped them in his mouth, because he was reassuringly full on human blood – Minoo had cornered him later that evening, after he'd skipped dinner, pressing him until he'd admitted that, no, he wasn't full enough to chance real food; so she'd taken a page out of her grandmother's book and cut her palm, holding it out and letting blood drip to the ground until Ed gave in – for the first time in a long time, and he was in a good mood about it for the first time in...pretty much ever, actually.
He whispered, "Thank you, Al," into the quiet night, hoped his brother was watching and had heard that. (If so, he'd probably rub it in next time Ed visited, but he was okay with that; Al deserved that right, and fuck knew they both desperately needed something to smile at.)
Over the next couple days, Ed had to get used to other people knowing about him, and he tried not to roll his eyes every time one of them asked how he was, or if he needed any blood. (Please. He'd been being cautious for so long, nothing was going to make him suddenly start performing the dangerous stunts of his youth, especially since he was still technically hurting his friends – his family, because they were that – every time he took blood from them, and he could never be careless with their lives.)
One of the things Mahdi insisted on, since it was no secret that something had happened in the woods, was making the rest of their tribe aware that Ed was... Well. Mahdi and Sanaz had apparently decided to give it a religious spin, telling everyone that Ed had been cursed by daevas – Ed could certainly see the demonic cast to that white figure's actions, and he was maybe a little amused by the mental image of it with horns and smelling of sulphur, though that was more an Amestrisan concept than Xerxesian – to either live in exile to protect the people he cared most for, or chance being injured and killing them in madness. If not for his hope to find some sort of ancient blessing capable of ending the curse – either in his father's notes, or simply in their tribe's own records – he would have continued to do so, but he'd taken a chance, and they all knew how hard it was to leave people you loved.
Ed wasn't there for the actual meeting – had been happy to take the option to avoid it, when offered – and had, in fact, vanished into the woods to forage for food, not coming back until well after dinner. Which kind of defeated the purpose of foraging, but it had given him something to do while he'd been worrying over the reactions and trying to gather the courage to go back.
He didn't try to sneak back into camp, but he did huddle against his crutch a bit, feeling the heavy stares of the tribe following him as he made his way over to the main fire circle and set his basket down just within range of the first person he reached that was seated there. "Sorry I'm late," he offered quietly, before turning to head for his tent; he'd much prefer trying to break one of his father's many coded journals and figure out what horrible thing he was hiding that time, than stay and make everyone – including himself – even more nervous.
He managed about two steps away from the fire circle, when Azad called, "Ed!"
He couldn't stop a sigh – half-irritated, half-resigned – and turned to face the other man. "Azad," he returned in as even a voice as he could, hoped Azad got that he wasn't in the mood for his usual teasing.
In fact, Azad didn't look much like he was in the mood for teasing, either, his arms crossed tight across his chest and a certain wariness in his eyes that Ed had expected, but still hurt, all the same. It was a little reassuring to see he wasn't carrying a spear with him, but no one tended to carry one inside the camp, unless they were on their way to go hunting or on guard duty, so it really only meant Azad hadn't had the time to run past his tent and grab a weapon before calling out to him.
"Do you like me?" Azad asked, his voice tight.
"Do I–?" Ed started, frowning, before it occurred to him exactly what Azad meant; if there was anyone in the camp that Ed didn't care for – might be willing to attack – it would probably be Azad, and he couldn't guess who decided that Azad needed to ask, but he sort of wanted to punch them in the face.
That said, Ed straightened and met Azad's eyes. "You drive me crazy and I've thought more than a few times about bruising your shin with my crutch, but let me make one thing abundantly clear." He paused to cast a gaze over the audience that had gathered when he wasn't paying attention, didn't let himself linger on Banu or Behnam's reassuring smiles, then once again met Azad's uncertain stare. "I would rather be tied up and left to rot in a walled-up cave, than watch a single person in this camp be hurt, least of all by myself."
The clearing was utterly silent, save for the snap and pop of the wood in in the fire.
Ed swallowed and turned away, toward his tent. "Good night," he offered, a little too quiet, but he didn't really have the energy for anything more that night.
"Ed, wait," Azad said, right before a hand brushed Ed's shoulder.
Ed couldn't keep himself from flinching away from the contact, half of him forever expecting to be kicked out, beat around the head until he fled because he was a monster in human form, blood long having stained his hand so deeply, no amount of soap would ever wash it clean.
Azad looked startled, when Ed first twisted to look at him, and then something like grief twisted his expression, and he'd yanked Ed into a too-tight hug before he could try to get away again. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Ed squeezed his eyes shut against tears he couldn't hope to explain the cause of and, as soon as Azad freed him, he fled back to his tent and hid in his bedroll for the rest of the night.
The next morning, when he and the children left on one of their foraging trips, Azad was standing guard, and he shot one of his familiar insults after Ed, his smirk as wide as if the night before had never happened.
Ed sort of froze, confused, and couldn't stop himself from snarling back an automatic insult.
Azad laughed and stepped forward to clap Ed on the back, like he and the other hunters sometimes did to each other, while the children all giggled.
Ed blinked, then snorted, made an insulting gesture back at Azad, and started quickly into the woods, hoping no one saw the wide grin on his face.
He wasn't going to be scared away. These people – his people – accepted him as he was, curse and all. Just like Al had.
He wasn't alone.
Slowly, everything calmed back down, which was assisted by them getting back on the road to return to Xerxes for the winter solstice. People stopped tiptoeing around him, or shooting him uncertain looks when they thought he wasn't looking, and those of his closest friends who knew the truth, stopped asking him constantly about his blood-levels.
One morning, after about an hour of silence in the cart together, Banu said, "Edward."
Ed looked up from the journal he was struggling to decode and asked, a bit distractedly, "Yeah?"
Banu gave him a considering look and said, "You said your name was Ed."
Ed blinked at that a couple times, then remembered that Hohenheim's journal always used his full name, and he sighed. "Yeah. It's sort of a... I don't know that it's common, but some Amestrisan names are a bit long, like Al's – Alphonse – so we sort of shorten them. Nicknames. Mine is Ed, and I haven't..." He shrugged and looked back down at his book. "I prefer 'Ed', a bit, always introduce myself that way. Mum was...she was the only one who ever used it, really. And I guess him. Hohenheim."
Banu was quiet for a long moment, long enough for Ed to look back down at his decoding, before she asked, "Do you mind if I use it?"
Ed shrugged. "Don't really care," he admitted, because he didn't. He didn't hate his full name, he just preferred his nickname.
"Okay."
Banu started calling him 'Edward', after that, and it was...weirdly comforting, in a way, hearing his name again. Like he was a child again, before Mum died and everything went to hell.
Not that he'd ever tell anyone that.
For a minute, Ed didn't realise what he'd decoded, just kept going, because he'd got in the habit of decoding as much as he had the patience for, then taking a break to read over his notes.
Except, that time, his brain sort of stuttered to a stop and he looked back at two hauntingly familiar words: Human transmutation.
"What?" he breathed, looking over the rest of the paragraph.
"Ed?" asked Mahin, his current travelling partner, due to a sprained ankle.
'Chao's death was a surprise, the first one I'd suffered since coming to Xing, and I didn't have a part of him within me to keep alive. Between myself and the other alchemists within me, we had more than enough knowledge to create an array to bring him back, and what good is this curse if it cannot be used to help those I care most for.
'Our array was perfect, down to every last sigil. I still had Chao's body, not two days cold, it should have worked perfectly. But it didn't. And it never will, I understand now: Once a soul has left the body, it is gone forever. You cannot revive a person who has died. Not even with the legendary power of the fifth element.'
Ed stared at the words for a long moment, not even daring to breathe.
His array had been perfect, they'd done everything right. But the thing in the middle of it. Mum–
"Ed!" Mahin shouted, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him.
He blinked up at her, realised his face was wet with tears and let go of the notebook to wipe at them. "I'm okay," he croaked, and he was.
They hadn't killed Mum a second time. They hadn't made her suffer even more.
"You don't look okay," Mahin returned, frowning.
"I just..." Ed shook his head and motioned toward the journal in his lap. "I'm...relieved. Human transmutation – bringing back the dead – it doesn't work."
"Of course not. You can't bring the dead back to life; that's not a power humans were entrusted with."
Ed didn't bother stopping a helplessly fond sort of smile as he reached up and patted the hand she'd left on his shoulder. "Sometimes," he offered, "I need scientific proof for these things."
Mahin scoffed and pulled her hand away, cheeks tinged with pink. "Science. You should put a bit more faith in the wisdom of Ahuramazda."
Ed shook his head. "I think I'm a little too old to find religion."
Mahin shot him a queer look, then shook her head and insisted, "You're never too old to start believing."
Ed just hummed in response and opened the journal back up to get back to work.
He got about five more minutes' worth of decoding done, before Mahin asked, "How old?" her voice sort of...off.
Ed blinked a few times as he looked back up at her, trying to reorient in the real world. "Huh?"
"How old are you?" Mahin clarified, waving a hand at him.
"Oh. Twenty." He flashed her a smile. "We're the same age."
It was her turn to blink a few times, before she cautiously offered, "You don't look it."
Ed looked down at his hand, as though that would really help him figure out his age. He needed a mirror, but those weren't particularly common in the tribe, too easy to break, and he hadn't had much interest in looking into his own eyes in a...while.
He remembered what Hohenheim had said about not ageing, and that white freak saying Al would be exactly as he had been in that moment, and he shrugged. "That doesn't really surprise me," he admitted, turning his attention back to his decoding.
Mahin didn't say anything else for a while.
That night, just in case his brother had missed that exchange – he didn't, actually, know how often Al watched him – or didn't really understand enough Xerxesian to follow it, Ed wrote in the sand, 'AL- WE DIDN'T KILL HER A 2ND TIME'. Because he needed to read that just as much as Ed had.
"Isn't this an odd place for a message for your brother?" Behnam enquired when he wandered by on his way toward bed.
Ed shrugged and smiled up at him. "No odder than anywhere else I might write it."
Behnam coughed and shook his head. "True enough. Good night."
"Good night!"
He didn't scuff out the message until the tribe started to rise in the morning, and could only hope Al had seen in in the meantime.
While they were down at the beach, Ed managed to finish the journal where Hohenheim had said that human transmutation wasn't possible. There'd been a fair bit more in there about what the Philosopher's Stone – Hohenheim referred to it as the fifth element, probably because 'stone' was a bit of a misnomer, in his case – could and couldn't accomplish, and a handful of arrays for creating one – apparently discovered while trying to create an array to destroy one – though those had been especially hard to decode. (A part of Ed wished he'd just skipped those entirely, because once he understood how an array worked, his cursed knowledge from performing human transmutation meant he never forgot it. It became a part of him, as though he needed even more blood on his hand.)
Still, as difficult to translate the journal as it had been, he'd managed it, and that made him realise that anyone could translate it, given enough time, which made him...nervous. A little sick and horrified. He should burn them, for all of their safety, but there was always the off-chance that he might need to reference them for something; his perfect recall for arrays didn't extend to anything else.
And then he remembered he had access to a place where no one would ever find them. And he had considered bringing his brother something to do, which the journals he'd already finished would certainly be. (Along with materials for translating the Xerxesian, just in case.)
He'd also thought about bringing Al food and clothing, so, on their way back up to Xerxes for the summer solstice, he traded some minor alchemic feats with the Xingans along their route for extra food and some clothing that should fit his brother, as emaciated as he was. Because while he probably could have just asked for extra from the tribe's stores, it seemed a little rude, especially since he was still eating their food, even though they knew he didn't need to. (Although, taking part in at least one meal a day seemed to serve as reassurance that he wasn't trying to hide that he was low on blood, which meant they pestered him less, so it sort of evened out. Or something.)
Of course, he'd had to ask for help translating, because his Xingan wasn't that good, which resulted in Mahdi cornering him after the second day with a stern frown. "What are you planning?" he demanded.
Ed sighed and tried not to look too guilty as he admitted, "I wanted to take some things to Al."
Mahdi's frown turned a bit uncertain and he shook his head. "He is in that other place."
Ed nodded. "Yeah. And I– Look, there's some stuff in some of Hohenheim's journals that I...don't really want getting around. Dangerous stuff. But I don't want to burn them, because what if I need something in one of them?"
"Ed," Mahdi said, tone flat and unimpressed.
"I still don't know what I'm supposed to do, Mahdi!" Ed reminded him, hated the slightly desperate edge to his voice. "What if it involves something in one of those journals? I can't destroy them! But I can put them somewhere only I can get to."
Mahdi closed his eyes and rubbed at them, and Ed suspected he was weighing the potential evil of the alchemy in the journals – not to mention the forbidden human transmutation – against Ed's own future.
Once again, Ed wondered if he shouldn't have just left, all those months ago, because forcing these people – his people – to pick between their own laws and him was...
They shouldn't have to help Ed carry his own sins, any more that Al was being forced to.
"Okay," Mahdi finally said, opening his eyes again to pin Ed with a hard look. "When is it you intend to have this visit?"
"In the ruins," Ed admitted, figured he could use that room he'd found to sleep in during his first visit to the ruined city; the floor was flat enough for him to draw the array on, and it wouldn't be too hard to block all the exits. "Don't really want to do it while we're on the move, since I'm honestly not quite certain what sort of time differences I'm dealing with." Because, well, he didn't. It wasn't something he'd ever tried to measure, either in that world, or in the real world while he was over there. He was fairly certain the figure gave him about eight minutes per visit, but it could be more, or it could be less. Could even just be dependent on its mood at the time, assuming the figure had moods, which Ed was fairly certain it did.
"Fine." Mahdi gave one firm nod, then turned and got about two steps away, before looking back at Ed. "Are you certain non-living objects can survive over there?"
Ed smiled a bit wryly and tapped a finger against his crutch. "I have a history of forgetting crutches over there," he admitted. And he had seen them during his last visit, he'd recognised once he'd recovered from the blood loss and dealing with the tribe. They'd been stacked neatly together, almost certainly by Al. (Almost made him want to keep 'losing' them over there, just to see how high the pile would get before Al gave into the urge to beat Ed with one.)
Mahdi snorted, his eyes gleaming, and turned again to leave. As if Ed didn't know he was being laughed at.
Oh well.
Spirit's Fall Chapters:
One || Two ||
Witness to a Shooting Star
Break Me ~ Al & Truth
Body's Struggle Chapters:
Unposted
Soul's Triumph Chapters:
Unposted
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